Traveling with anxiety taking my life back

Warning long blog post!

So, as most of you know I suffer with anxiety issues and today I had to get a train to Edinburgh for a passport interview, this is how my day went!

It started at 12am, I have to be up at 7am to get to Edinburgh and I can’t sleep, my head is keeping me up thinking, ticking, panicking

Hubby is snoring next to me as slowly I start to drift off to the sound of him dreaming.

FUCK it’s 8am! I’m late, no time for coffee I rush to dress, clean my teeth, grab my coat and bag, fuck no keys and no time to look, I rush out the door and make the bus (just) I pray that I make the train on time, checking the email to see how long I had to get into town, well done Katt the train isn’t till 9:50 you muppet!!!

As I get to the station around 9am I go collect my tickets and decide that I need coffee

Time to get on the train my heart was pounding and I could feel the horrid twisted feeling deep in my stomach, I boarded the train and as I found my seat a group of you lads and lasses sat at the table to the left of me, I lady of about 50 (although she didn’t look it) came and sat next to me. As the journey started the guys and girls got comfy and started to share out bottles of drink amongst themselves, They were all having so much fun, having a drink and listening to music (and not shit music like most young people, the lady sat next to me looked in my direction as the young ones started to play Guns N Roses and we both smiled and started to mosh (head bang to those of you know in the know) and sing along, what with the music, the chat about foursome goals, how slept with who and (warning here) beef curtains me and my seat companion were in stiches.

While we were enjoying the banter somebody obviously wasn’t as the train steward came around and told them that someone had made a complaint about the noise, at this point the lady sat next to me piped up and said “oh that would have been me making all the noise” and started laughing.

Now I don’t see the problem with the kids having a laugh and a joke (it was past 11am by this point) after all you only live once! Yes, they were loud but they also managed to make me feel a lot less anxious about traveling, yes some of my readers would agree with the person who put in the complaint but these guys made what would have been a nerve wracking trip so much more enjoyable, I was actually quite sad when they got off at the stop before mine.

So, I arrive at Haymarket at 12:20 and have 2 hours before my interview, Time for a scout around to see where the building is, Fab it was a 3 min walk from the train station, time for coffee.

Like a noob I’ve managed to forget my camera in the mad rush to get out the door, and my phone only has 20% battery (as its shit) so I decided it was best to not take too many photos (bugger), As I sit and watch the people go about their lives I feel the twinge in my brain that me and my friends affectionately call “derp brain” quick grab a pen and write down what you might need on a napkin, I get as far as my ref no and my phone starts to die, I have to turn it off, Panic again sets in, I look at my left wrist to see how much time I have left and spot my tattoo, “breath”

ok Katt you got this! Chill,

just watching the hustle and bustle going by seems to calm me down and I remember where I am, I did this, alone, go me!! I made it to Haymarket!

Interview time and the passport office is a huge grey building that well looks very scary from the outside

Breath

Let’s do this, straighten your hair and go in, I say to myself.

Inside the it was nice and bright, the gentleman at the desk was very polite and could see I was a little stressed, he booked me in and has a little chat with me, he even offered me a cup of tea, I politely declined as I was shaking (well more than usual) so I sat listening to the radio, prince was playing so that really helped, after about 15 min (I was early) a nice man called rob came and introduced himself to me and took me for my interview. Now for obvious reasons I can’t go into what was said in the interview but 20 mins (if that) later I was done!! I now had 4 hours to kill till the train home, so what’s a girl to do?? (yep you got it coffee time) I went off to the same Starbucks I had stat in before my interview and got a caramel latte and a salted caramel cookie (oops naughty) and I sat working on the draft for this very post! I managed to get my phone to turn on to check my messages and take a quick photo too (bad skills Katt forgetting your charger)

so, 4 hours without my phone (OMG I’M GOING TO DIE) 4 hours without any of my social media sites to hide in, again panic, who will calm me down? I can’t reach my pack! I can’t reach my team or my beloved hubbby!!!

I just sit there with my coffee and cookie and start to think (uh oh)

When I was younger nothing would phase me, going out alone, talking to random people, jumping on a train to London just for fun, nothing, so what had changed? How did I end up like this at only 34?

So, I decided, there and then, I’m going to take my life back, I don’t know how, but I am.

I started to think of the “kids” on the train and it made me smile, I USED to do things like that all the time, ok time to put the note book down and go explore Haymarket.

Most of the buildings were made of old stone, tall and beautiful with a few newer buildings dotted in but they didn’t look out of place, Trams rumbles up and down the road along with the buses and other traffic and there were people everywhere running for buses, walking home from work or shopping with friends, music from the buskers filled my ears and the smell of flood flooded my nostrils from the many eateries along the streets, it was all a little overwhelming but incredible “breath” I looked at my wrist and went for it.

After having a little wonder, I came across this unique little café and decided to pop in for a cup of tea as it was getting very cold, it was so warm and friendly inside it made me feel relaxed again

A little further up the same road was a pagan and esoteric book shop called “Otherworld Books” naturally I had to pop in and see if they were online, (they are www.otherworldbooks.co.uk) after a lovely chat with the owner I said that I had to go and find a public toilet (well I had had an awful lot of coffee and tea) and she kindly offered to let me use her bathroom (bless you)

As I left I decided to head back to the station and just sit and wait for the train home, I only had a couple of hours and it was getting cold and dark,

I found a nice little corner and watched everyone running to make their trains on time. Finally 2 cold hours later it was my turn to get running, the train back was packed (thank god for reserved seating) so I found my seat and asked the lady if I could squeeze in, she didn’t look to happy that she had to mover her bags off my seat but never mind, As I was so happy to be in the warm again I decided to just curl up and sleep, I woke up at Stonehaven and most of the train was empty now, not long to go and I would be back in Aberdeen.

30 (ish) mins later I was off the train and on the bus back to my little flat, my feet and hands were like blocks of ice but I didn’t care as I was starting to feel quite pleased with myself at what I had managed to do today.

It was getting on to 22:00 by the time I got through my front door, I was cold, tired but very happy, with a hot cup of tea and the heating on I just sat and reflected on how far I had come in one day, and of course I HAD to message my team about it to!

To the young ones on the train, keep on rocking and I hope you had a great night out if you made it after your drink fuelled train ride,

To the person who put in the complaint, don’t you remember being young and having a bit of fun.

To myself, I am very proud of you and what you managed to do today, it was only one step but there will be many more, after all taking back your life isn’t a small task,

Thanks for reading guys

Much love Kitty Katt xxx