My Derp Brain, Life with Depression and Anxiety

Warning this post may contain triggers

Suffering from Mental Illness is a lot harder than most people think, I suffer with anxiety and depression and have dealt with it for over ten years, most people I speak to think it's just low mood or feeling sad. It's not as simple as that but boy I wish it was,

After reading an article a very dear friend of mine wrote (you can find it here) I've decided to tell my story (well as much of it as I can)

Most people who know me know I suffer from mental illness but only my husband knows the true extent,

When I'm having a down day (Which is most of the time) I'm a grumpy, moody, snappy bitch! Yes I'm a horrible person to be around and I don't want anyone in my space.

people who know me well (I mean really know me) know I refer to my depression as "Derp brain" (a term a beautiful friend also uses) and when this hits something in the back of my mind starts to whisper horrible things to me like:

"Your not good enough"

"Your fat and ugly"

"Your husband is going to leave you because your not good enough and fat and ugly"

"Your friends don't really like you"

"Everyone is talking about you"

"That random comment you saw on social media is really about you"

And the worst one "you don't deserve to be happy or be alive"

I could go on but you get the idea, the thing is I've had this "Derp brain" for so long now that it's come to be my everyday life, yes I have some really good days but when that day is done I crash and I crash hard, I don't want to get out of bed, leaving the flat becomes nearly impossible and I just want to sit and hide from the world and then, the crying starts, I cry for the silliest of reasons.

I've decided that I don't want this to be my life anymore and I'm working on changing my brain but when you've suffered for as long as I have, been to therapy, had all the anti depressants under the sun it's a lot easier said than done! I'm not just dealing with my depression and anxiety I'm also having to change my whole mindset and rediscover who I am, not who my "Derp brain" has made me.

Most people can tell you something about what triggered their depression or when it hit, but I can't. I didn't even know I was suffering from mental illness until I was head deep into it, yes there are things in my past (things that I am not able to mention just yet) that have had a helping hand in it but I can't say it was any one thing, I know everyone has things they wish they could change or go back and do over and I have plenty of those but I don't feel that they had anything to do with my "derp brain" either.

So seeing as I don't know when it happened or how it was triggered how do I fix it?

All I know is that I’m now doing everything I can to get better and I’m taking each day as it comes, I’ve been writing a daily diary blog and that seems to be helping, I don’t know how long I will be able to write it but for the time being I’m going to keep it going with the steps I am taking on becoming me again, so feel free to join me while I learn to walk a new path brining myself back to a healthy body, mind and life.

Please feel free to contact me if you have found value in this post, or even if you just need someone to talk to, I may not have the answers but I'm always happy to lend you an ear.

Many thanks for taking the time to read this,

much Love Kitty Katt 🐾